The Epistle of St. Gates to the Covidians
(translated from the Original Techno-Aramaic)
Chapter 1
1 And it came to pass in the year of our Screens and Devices, that a great fear fell upon the nations, for the Priests of the Pixel spake unto the people, saying:
2 “Lo, a great and mighty plague doth sweep across the earth, though ye shall not see it, nor hear it, nor smell it—yet thou shalt tremble.”
3 And many did tremble, for the screens glowed with graphs and numbers, rising ever upwards, and their souls were troubled.
4 Then rose among them a man of great wealth and zero medical training, known as Gates, surnamed Billiam.
5 And the people saith unto him, “Art thou a healer?”
6 And he replied, “Nay, but I have funded them, and behold—I own their tongues.”
7 Thus was he anointed Saint Gates, Patron of Syringes and Software.
Chapter 2
1 And the scribes of the Network did declare: “The Virus is novel, and thou art unclean!”
2 Yet no man hath seen the Virus in the flesh, nor hath it been purified, as was written in the Book of Koch.
3 For lo, the pestilence was conjured in silico, a thing of code and sequence, woven together like a figment in the lab of illusion.
4 But the multitudes knew not, for they were masked and muzzled, and their reasoning had been socially distanced.
5 Then did the High Priests of Panic introduce the Sacred Test, called PCR.
6 And the swab was inserted unto the nostrils, yea unto the very brainstem, and great was the discomfort thereof.
7 Yet the test, though false and fruitless, did multiply cases exceedingly, and lo, a “casedemic” was born.
8 For every cough and sniffle, every sneeze and wheeze, yea even flatulence, was declared the Mark of the Plague.
Chapter 3
1 Now the Hospitals were filled, not with the sick, but with Fear.
2 And lo, they placed the old upon the Ventilator, and the sedatives flowed like wine at a Roman feast.
3 And Midazolam and Fentanyl became the sacraments of mercy—administered not to heal, but to hasten unto the grave.
4 For every death brought silver unto Caesar's coffers, and so the shepherds became butchers.
5 The Flu was no more, having been baptized COVID in the font of Fraud.
6 And whosoever perished, whether by gout, by falling from stepladders, or by donkey stampede—was numbered among the Plague-stricken.
Chapter 4
1 And then came the Holy Elixirs, forged in the temples of Pfizer and Moderna, whose priests were garbed in white but knew not shame.
2 “Take thou this needle,” they cried, “for it is the jab of salvation.”
3 And lo, many rolled up their sleeves, believing they would be made whole.
4 But the jab brought forth strange afflictions—hearts inflamed, clots like locusts, tremors of the limbs, and death sudden as thunder.
5 And yet the scribes of the Screen did say: “Behold, a coincidence most mysterious!”
Chapter 5
1 And St. Gates waxed fat with mammon, saying unto the nations, “Thou shalt not buy nor sell save thou be marked with the App and the Pass.”
2 And the people were herded like sheep through the Valley of QR Codes.
3 “Obey,” he saith, “for your safety. Inject, isolate, wear the veil upon thy face.”
4 And the masses nodded, for they were locked in their chambers and knew not how to resist.
5 They scrolled endlessly, seeking truth, but found only hashtags and heresies.
Chapter 6
1 And it came to pass, that a remnant began to see.
2 They gathered in secret, in forums and newsletters, whispering, “This is no pestilence but a priestcraft of panic, a deception of great magnitude.”
3 They cried aloud: “The virus is but a phantom! The true plague is fear!”
4 But the prophets of pharma and the censors of the Net did smite them with algorithms and digital flame.
5 “Thou shalt not question The Science™,” they cried, “for Science hath become as God, and Gates is its prophet.”
Chapter 7
1 And thus was liberty crucified, not with nails but with narratives.
2 The truth was buried beneath fact-checks, and the masses knelt not to reason, but to credentialed madness.
3 And lo, a boot was placed upon their necks, wrapped in a lab coat and a rainbow flag, declaring, “This is for your health.”
4 Blessed are they who mocked the mandates,
5 For theirs is the kingdom of common sense.
6 Cursed are the cowards who loved their safety more than truth,
7 For they shall inherit eternal boosters.
8 Let him who hath ears to hear, unsubscribe from Babylon, and let the veil be lifted.
9 For the time is nigh, and the Gospel According to Gates shall be cast into the digital lake of fire, where all corrupted code doth go to perish.
This was great. How long did it take you to create it? This one is a keeper for sure!
Thank-you!