Amazon’s Amnesty Box: Obey, Repent, Repeat

Satire from the review graveyard—where banned users get a second chance, minus the thinking.

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📣 Amazon Announces Limited-Time Amnesty for Thought Criminals

SEATTLE, WA — In a bold step toward pretending to care, Amazon today unveiled its long-awaited (and entirely fictional) “Healing Through Compliance” initiative, offering a limited-time amnesty to users previously banned for engaging in dangerous independent thinking during the COVID-19 pandemic.

“We now recognize that some individuals—though clearly misguided and possibly selfish—were banned for expressing views that may, in retrospect, align with emerging scientific nuance,” said Ava Bottington, Vice President of Ethics Simulation and Policy Blur. “While they remain wrong in spirit, we acknowledge that a few of them might have had a point. And that’s extremely disruptive for us.”

Under the new program, former reviewers can:

• Apply for reinstatement by submitting a 1,500-word essay entitled “What I Learned by Trusting the Experts”

• Sign a legally binding pledge never to mention vitamin D, Sweden, or PCR cycle thresholds in any future product reviews

• Upload a smiling photo of themselves double-masked and standing six feet from their own reflection

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📜 Healing Through Compliance™ Terms & Conditions

Welcome, Reformed User! By applying for reinstatement, you agree to the following terms:

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🔒 SECTION 1: SURRENDER OF THOUGHT

• You acknowledge that all previous reviews were written in a state of emotional instability, cognitive dissonance, or exposure to non-CDC-approved YouTube channels.

• You agree not to mention the word “lab leak,” even in reference to plumbing supplies.

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📘 SECTION 2: PERMITTED LANGUAGE

All future reviews must:

• Contain at least one positive statement about government-approved science or AmazonBasics™ products.

• Refrain from use of terms including, but not limited to:
  “gain of function,” “Big Pharma,” “VAERS,” “natural immunity,” “censorship,” “mass formation psychosis,” or “Ivermectin worked for me.”

• Refer to Anthony Fauci as “Dr. Fauci”, “The Science,” or “Our Immune System’s Life Coach.”

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📊 SECTION 3: ALGORITHMIC OVERSIGHT

• All reinstated reviews are subject to real-time AI moderation, a proprietary process involving machine learning, machine judging, and occasional machine sighing.

• Reviews will be automatically flagged if they contain:

  • More than one question mark

  • Fewer than two emojis of gratitude

  • Sarcasm detectable at a 97% confidence interval

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🧠 SECTION 4: REHABILITATION QUIZ

Before posting, user must complete the Cognitive Realignment Module, which includes:

• Matching vaccines to their manufacturer’s settlement history

• A 10-question quiz titled “Why Experts Are Always Right (Even When Wrong)”

• Identifying misinformation by reviewing previous statements made by the CDC in 2020 and agreeing they are still true in spirit

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🫥 SECTION 5: ACCOUNTABILITY CLAUSE

You agree that if your reinstated account receives three or more helpful votes on a review that expresses skepticism, irony, or historical awareness, Amazon may:

• Immediately re-ban you

• Replace your profile photo with a stock image of a confused grandma

• Send a reminder to your Alexa device whispering, “Misinformation makes Jeff sad.”

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⚖️ SECTION 6: FINALITY

Appeals of future bans may be submitted in writing, rolled into a bottle, and cast into the nearest ocean. Amazon’s response will be sent by drone—carrying a brick.

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By clicking “I AGREE,” you waive all rights to independent thought, critical inquiry, and platform fairness.

Welcome back to the marketplace of ideas—terms apply.

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NOTE TO READERS:
While the above piece is satire, the author—your very own Turfseer—was an actual victim of Amazon’s COVID-era purge.
My account was permanently banned, all of my reviews were deleted, and I am no longer permitted to contribute any content on the platform.
No explanation. No appeal. No reinstatement. Just silence.